I recently discovered the word "hiraeth" (HEER-eyeth) and the definition explained why I'd been feeling a bit lost these past months. Do any of you know the word, and perhaps the feelings?
"(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past."
This isn't just the holiday blues; I've felt like this for months, and this particular year was consistently stress-filled and very, very trying. I do have many blessings for which I am thankful; the most precious is my 3 month old granddaughter, Isabelle Mackenzie Butler. She is my first 'grand' and how I have longed for her; for over ten years my arms have felt empty without her in them. I have a wonderful son and his dear wife, we all live in the same city and are close in heart as well. So far I've had two blessed evenings of babysitting - just my little Isabelle, her dog Jay (a big German Shepherd - he's my 'grandpup'!), and me; and I feel I just soak her in when I can have her to myself. This is a love that totally caught me off guard; in some ways it feels bigger than my love of my son...(and I adore him!) hard to explain, but if another grandparent reads this I'm sure it will be crystal clear to them.
The hiraeth issue...perhaps I'm just being a poor sport; because when life has been good (when I've known much of God's favor) it has been GREAT and I miss much of what is past. I had a mother that was my best friend, who died ten years ago from an inoperable brain tumor. A huge emptiness after all we had; but I have to play the 'glad game' (Pollyanna, don't ya know) and be thankful for the many, many years we had together. Some never knew their mothers, some could only argue with their mothers; neither were scenarios in our lives. Just love. Lots of it.
I've lived some dreams, and I'm selfish enough to want them back. Just like a stubborn Irish woman...eh?
But I know 'tis foolish to want to go back, we all have just this very second in life, and if we are allowed to have a tomorrow (good or bad), we shouldn't squawk.
My heart feels heavy though despite it all; and I know that 'this too shall pass'; and more God-winks will surely be ahead which will bring me and my loved ones great joy.
Just feeling a little sad tonight. Don't we all from time to time.
I do wish you all the best of holidays, and plenty of God-winks!