(Resurrected below are a few travel tips I scrawled to my much-loved older sister/guide a decade ago.  She prevailed upon me to enter them in your contest.  If some other lucky blokes win, perhaps they'll find them useful.)

Hey, Helen - The Ireland thing is for real.  The mistake most people make in thinking about going there or moving there is thinking "What can Ireland do for me, and how can I avoid spending a ton of money and having a bummer? (like $100.00 a day in Dublin just to take care of my simplest needs; like buying a house in a place where I discover that arthritis could actually be a way of life for me; like getting a job and then figuring out that I actually hate Ireland, and everybody in it, and the scenery makes me suicidal?)"

What a mistake!  If I think like that, there's only one place in Ireland for me (Frank) and that's a stool in any pub where I can drink and wallow in self-pity indefinitely.  That is allowed in Ireland, and the company is great even there, and the cops wouldn't mind because it's good for the economy.

So what are the other options?  Whether I go to Ireland or stay in Santa Fe, I have to ask God every day: "What is Your will for me?"  And I have to get spiritually fit, by doing whatever religious practice seems like God's will for me; daily Mass, or saying the rosary, or in my case currently, saying 5 prayers a day.  In Ireland itself, none of this would change.  I'm still me, so I'll have to say my prayers or go to Mass and lots of AA meetings just to avoid a disaster one day at a time.

The cure for the high cost of living or traveling in Ireland is honesty.  Gas is $6.00 a gallon, and driving on the wrong side of the road is a recipe for manic-depression, so I'll walk and take public transpo.  Everybody else does!  When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll tell them the truth:  I'm looking for (check appropriate boxes)

• a cheap place to stay
• some first class day-old bread
• a store where ordinary Irish people buy their grub
• a restaurant that isn't trying to kill tourists
• an AA meeting
• a bathroom --- "the gents" in my case, "the ladies" in yours, and this is ok to ask anywhere, always elicits the most generous graceful response; the bathroom is always spotless; it is standard practice to wipe down the basin with a paper towel on your way out, in the airport or the poorest pub --- that's why it's so clean!  Some of my greatest adventures in Ireland happened because I needed to pee, so don't hold it!  If you need to go to the bathroom 16 times a day urgently and in odd places, the people recognize you as one of them.

Never, ever, waste food, be it only a piece of toast or a pat of butter.  If you don't want butter, tell them when you order.  The Irish have learned to throw away heaps of food from tourists without remorse, but when I timidly asked the waitress in the fancy hotel in Dublin if I could take the leftovers from Mary's breakfast with me (she had had to run to a meeting and left an egg, bacon and toast virtually untouched), this busy distant waitress became like my best friend.  Against policy, she made it all up into a beautiful wrapped lunch for me, a fine sandwich actually, and when I apologized for my inability to waste food, she said "It's no trouble, and sure isn't there hunger everywhere..."

Don't leave home without presentable, wrapped tea cakes.  Just ask Mary about this if you doubt me.  She thought I was nuts at first, but became a great buyer and giver of cakes in her own right.  These are sold, wrapped, for about 4-5 bucks at all grocery stores and bakeries.  They travel well, being like a pound cake or banana-bread cooked in a loaf pan.  Small, heavy, much coveted by all.  Keep one in your purse and you'll never regret it.  Offer them on leaving so as not to offend.  If anybody does anything really helpful for you, pawn it off on them with the excuse that it's an extra tea cake and could they use it.  If somebody invites you in for tea when you're lost, you might say "Oh, hey, I've got a tea cake right here that's putting my shoulder out I've been lugging it around so long --- could you help me eat it up?"  But you won't --- there'll be a nice bit left for the person to enjoy the next day when you're gone.  I can't overemphasize the importance of the tea cake thing --- and everybody likes them and few can afford them.  They can satisfy a multitude if need be, or can be carefully hoarded by old folks for a week, and they'll be blessing you with every bite.

In every case, think nothing of stopping anyone on the street and presenting your case to her or him, completely and with details:  "Excuse me, I'm a bit lost.  Actually I'm looking for something that I'm not even sure exists...Is there a place around here where I could stay for say 5 dollars a night (which is all I can afford) which has hot showers and a full breakfast for a diabetic with a small Chihuahua traveling with her?  I'm very sorry to trouble you with my problems!"Expect to get exactly what you asked for!

As in Mafia countries, always use go-betweens and introductions.  Call ahead, always, saying "Hello, you don't know me, but I'm a tourist staying in such-and-such, and ____________ told me that you have a (bed & breakfast, extra bedroom, castle for sale, whatever)."  You must fill in that blank, or people won't trust you at all.  If your only reference is a snotty waiter in Dublin, say just that, and say what hotel the blighter works in.  Without a reference you're a stranger.  But don't lie.  If you've got no reference, say so immediately, and mention God quickly.  This qualifies you for the very best treatment under Celtic law.

Walk carefully in cemeteries --- graves are unmarked in the weeds between headstones.

The faeries are a reality too --- more than vibes.  I don't know what they are, but they seem friendly and demand politeness from visitors, and will lead you on a wild goose chase if you act like a self-willed American.

Remember, you're Irish.  You can't make a mistake!

Love,

Pancho

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